Speaking For Your Kids

I want to take just a moment to address something I see happening out there.  I have touched on this briefly before.  I want to expand on this and, for those uncertain (because some of you are), let me clarify for you.

You, the parent, have the right to speak for your kids.

Taking it even further – not only do you have the right, you also, as the parent, have the responsibility and the privilege to speak for your kids.  Speaking for your kids is basic and fundamental Autism Parenting 101.  It’s a requirement.  It’s part of the job description.  It is literally what you signed up for when you decided to be parent and raise a child.

But there is also someone who does not have the right to speak for your child.  That would be (among everyone else who is not that child’s parents or guardian) the stranger on the internet.  

Yeah – that includes me.  I cannot speak for your child.

Some of you are being told otherwise.  You are being told by those same strangers that you have no right to speak for them and they do.  

They’re wrong.  That’s not how this works.  I will explain why.

Their claim is they can speak for your kids but you can’t because they have autism but you don’t.  What they need to understand is they are not responsible for raising your kids.  You are.  They are not paying out of pocket to provide food, clothing, and shelter for them.  You are.  They are not sending them to school or attending IEP meetings for them.  You are.  They are not taking them to the doctor or to therapy.  You are.  They are not getting them dressed in the morning.  You are.  They are not preparing dinner for them every night, giving them baths, and putting them to bed.  You are.  They are not even the ones wiping their butts.  You are.  

Bottom line:
They do not have custody of them.  You do.

All of that is you.  And you aren’t doing it because you need to, you are doing it because you want to.  You are doing it because you love your child.  They don’t know even the first thing about your child.

For instance…

What is your child’s favorite color?  What is their bedtime routine?  What do they like for breakfast?  What is the best way to calm them down?  What is in their IEP?  Is the IEP being followed?  Who is their doctor?  What is their diagnosis?  Do they have any co-occurring diagnoses?  What medication are they on?  What are the dosages of those medications?  Do they have any allergies?  

Do strangers on the internet know these things?  Do they know your child?  Do they have a right to speak for them?

The answer to those questions is NO.

The person who speaks for the child is the person who has custody.  The vast majority of the time, that will be one or both of the parents.  It will not be some random bully out there in the ether somewhere.

Now understand there is an exception to all of this, someone else can speak for your child if you as the parent give them the permission and the authority to do so.  The mother, the father, or both.  If not them, then it must be a legal guardian or nobody, because nobody else can give that permission.  (There’s also court orders, that’s beyond the scope of this article.  We’ll set that aside for another time.)  Random people somewhere on the internet certainly can’t just give that permission to themselves as some of them seem to be doing.  They exceed their authority.  What they are doing to you and (even worse) to your child, they have no right to do.  Please be aware of this.  You do not need to listen to them.  You do not need to allow them to speak for your kids.  That is your job, not theirs.

The example I use here is IEP meetings.  As I have mentioned before, I have done more than my share of IEP meetings over the years.  I have gone to these meetings and I have spoken for the kids.  I have been their voice.  I did this because the parents gave me the authority to speak for their kids for the duration of the IEP meeting.  Once the meeting was over, that authority was rescinded and I was no longer able to speak for the child.  This is as it should be.  

There are some things to keep in mind here.  I was not just some random stranger on social media in some other city, state, or country.  I was there, in person, I prepared for the meetings.  I met with the family.  I asked the parents questions.  I looked over educational and medical records, and prior IEPs.  I worked and played with and got to know to the kids to some extent.  The parents trusted me enough to do all of that.  I understood the weight and the responsibility of this as well.  I knew I had to leave my own personal beliefs and politics at the door.  I wasn’t there to do what was right for me, I was there to do what was right for the child and for the family.

I was not just someone the parents didn’t even know, and at least one of the parents was always there with me in the meetings.  If I said something they didn’t agree with, they were welcome to correct me.  Once in a while they did and they were right to do that.  They always had the final word.  It was my job as the advocate to understand and respect that.  The parent always overrules the advocate.

Whatever it is you have hired the advocate to do, you as the parent or guardian have the final say, the last word.  So long as you have legal custody, you always have the right to speak for your child until the child becomes 18 years of age.  Longer if you obtain a guardianship.  

Do you see what I am saying here?  No stranger from the internet can speak for your child just because they said so.  It is utterly ridiculous for them to think they can.  

Here’s another example.  Let us say (hypothetically speaking, of course) the unthinkable happens and your child is naughty in some way.  Here come the cops knocking on your door.  Who’s going to speak for your child?  That person on the net in some far away place you don’t even know, or you?  And who is the officer going to listen to?  Them or you?  Who is going to have to pay for any damages?  Them or you?  Who may need to appear in court to answer for your child?  Them or you?

So who speaks for your son or daughter?  Them or you?  

Taking it even further, who knows your son or daughter?  Them or you?

It takes more than a diagnosis (or claiming a diagnosis) to be an expert on something as complex as autism.  If one has been properly diagnosed, and if they have any level of self awareness, they may be an expert on their own autism.  I will give them that.  But no two people with autism are the same.  Not understanding this simple, fundamental fact about autism immediately disqualifies them from any claims of expertise.  

Now the reason I am writing this obviousness is because some parents have come to me with some confusion over who can speak for their kids.  I know certain people can be persuasive, but they’re wrong.  They are flexing muscles and trying to look important when they just aren’t.  

What I am saying here is when they tell you that you have no right to speak for your child and they do, you can tell them where to go and what to do with it.  

You can tell them where to shove it.  

Really.  You have my permission to do that.  If they don’t like it, they can take it up with me.

And block them.  Definitely block them.  Even if it’s me.  (But I would never tell you that I can speak for your kids.  I know better.  I take advocacy seriously.  If I ever do, you can just tell me where to go and block me and I will deserve it.)

I am hoping this clears up the confusion.  Note that if your kids can speak for themselves, it is of course best to allow them to do that if the situation allows it.  If they can’t, no stranger on the net can speak for them.  You the parent can.  They’re your kids. Not theirs.  

Please don’t let them tell you otherwise.