Autism Thoughts

I still have not gone through all the records (there are a lot of them), but still a few things have become very clear to me, the main thing (so far) being the fact that my parents had absolutely nothing to do with how long I was in the hospital.

That was entirely my fault and my responsibility.

Up until recently I had thought that it was something they would have to live with. But now I see that it is something *I* will have to live with.

My mother told me once that she does not recall the hospital ever saying they thought it would be a three week stay. I very clearly remember hearing that...somewhere?

Looking over these records, it seems as though that would have been correct. I get the feeling, reading these, that maybe that was what they had planned, but I was there for so much longer because I was not exactly cooperating with them.

What I see first and foremost in those records is someone who had some serious trust issues. However obvious this was (or wasn't) to the staff, they never really addressed it. Not that I can remember, anyway. They seemed more content to let me ride and wait it out.

It was a looooooooooonnnnnnnnng wait. :(

Another thing that got my attention was my parents account of my history. There is a year and a half between my two older brothers, and a year and a half between myself and my younger sister. Yet there is a longer space between the two sets of children.

I have always wondered about that?

Now I know. :(

There was an "incident" between the births of the second and third child. I can't say anymore than that because I do (of course) need to protect my mother, unless she decides to post a comment about what that incident was.

But it does leave me with one question...

How long after said incident was I conceived, and is it possible that it had something to do with me turning out the way that I did?

Statistics say it should have been Charlie (or even Jim) who had the autism, not me. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have been me anyway, but still I have to wonder?

In the past I have accused my mother of not wanting me. Now I can't do that anymore because I was, to quote the records, "the most wanted of all."

It would take a lot to convince me this is true, but what I have read is pretty doggone good evidence in her favor.

Sorry, Mom.

By the way, Mother (I know you are reading this), in the spirit of fixing this broken relationship, I offer you these records. You and Dad are both welcome to read them. If you would like to see them, let me know and I will send them to you.

If you think you don't need to read them because you already know what they say, you are definitely wrong about that. There are quite a few surprises in them. Some of them are even good surprises.

You'll need a magnifier to read some of them....so have that handy.

Now I have to forgive myself for creating a situation where I had to stay for so long.

I just wish I knew how to do that...?

The good news for my parents is if they were feeling guilty about that, they don't need to anymore. They had nothing to do with how long I was there.

So they can let that go. :)